pictures and baggage

past past past.
I realize I have no pictures from my past relationships. None. its like the men and the relationships didn't exist. Like I can purge them.
its amazing to me that even as much as I have grown I can have flash backs to my past. No one expects in the future that they will be uncomfortable about their past actions. Now I am sitting thinking about the story of my life and I wish that I could change parts of my past. Some parts I learned from. Some partsI am ashamed of.


Today is my first boyfriends birthday. its amazing to me that after seven years I even recalled that. His name is Allan. I wish I could say that we taught each other a lot, but we were very young and made a lot of mistakes. I don't think of him much any more, I don't wonder what he has done with his life. Honestly I doubt I would recognize him now if I saw him on the street. He was very controlling, angry and young, and I let him be those things. He said he loved me and because of that I let him treat me like a servant, thought it was OK that I came last on his list of priorities. I suppose that is where my inability to talk about emotions comes from, because mine never mattered and his were always violent, better to be left unsaid and unexpressed. Unhurt. When we broke up he did some horrible things. He even tried to commit suicide. That was the last time I talked to him.
I am glad I have no picture of him.
That is a part of my life I wish I could change. I wish I had finished university and made my career then. I wish I could have spared my family and his the heartache that happened from that ordeal. I wish I was stronger then.

I suppose to make a future that I am happy and balanced I need to deal with my past. maybe one small piece at a time. I need other people to realize that I don't come from a bubble. that I can be hurt, but I can forgive. and my forgiveness is sincere.

I am feeling empty today. I am a fate believer, things happen for a reason. An old friend named Jeff once told me that fate is what we make happen. I think it was partially a way for him to justify his actions in life. this week I made an action I am not 100% sure about. Since lately I am a extremely over confident person that shook down to the very bottom of my soul. Now I sit here praying to God and the Goddess that it wasn't a mistake. Have I changed my fate?

damn this is a depressing entry. oh well. Life isn't all rainbows and lollipops.