In the last few days I have been doing aot of thinking. in the next week I will have more time too. it is one luxury that I do have. time. Any how I have been thinking extensively about how we treat each other, what kind of person I want to be, how am I going to get there.

first I want to address the whole jeremy thing. Yes I was angry, and hurt. I said somethings that I did not mean, and should not have said. when it comes right down to it, I should have kept that part private and dealt with it in a better way than I did.
yes, we are talking now, yes we are able to have a decent friendship. Yes I have forgiven him what he did. Read this and I hope you will understand why.

In the long run, it's not a question of whether they deserve to be
forgiven. You're not forgiving them for their sake. You're doing it for
yourself. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most
energy-efficient option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating
drain of holding a grudge. Don't let these people live rent free in your head.
If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your
mind? It's not worth it but it takes heart effort to stop it. You can muster
that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It's one
thing you can be totally selfish about.

The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we're protecting ourselves by not forgiving.

Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself. Forgiveness means that you've decided
not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile.

Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you,
even in the most extreme circumstances.

The incoherence that results from holding on to resentments
and unforgiving attitudes keeps you from being aligned with your true self. It
can block you from your next level of quality life experience.

Metaphorically, it's the curtain standing between the room you're living in now and a new room, much larger and full of beautiful objects. The act of forgiveness removes the curtain. Clearing up your old accounts can free up so much energy that you jump right into a whole new house. Forgiving releases you from the punishment of a
self-made prison where you are both the inmate and the jailer.

Doc Childre and Howard Martin,

In my life, there are alot of people I need to forgive, something I am not sure that I can. I know that till I deal with those things they will keep a hold over me. Those will take time. But if I can do one thing that heps me feel lighter, closer to being who I want to be. then I have taken one small step in that direction.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

I want to be strong. In a healthy way that does not mean I have to wear armour, I would rather be strong from the inside. I also want that to come from myself. I don't want to feel like I am better because of someone, or even better than someone. I take no comfort in that.

there are more thoughts.... but they will wait till my head is clear again.